Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
