you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Randomize
