she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I just want to make out with him forever
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
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