Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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