i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
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while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
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The chlamydia really affected his face.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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