I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
