I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Everyone says I win the strip club
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
i need some magic done to my vagina
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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