I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
