she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I need to sanitize my soul.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Holy shit dude........stairs
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