she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
