It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
