walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
As shirtless as possible
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
