I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
