We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
