that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
