you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
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I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
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