frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
