We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Randomize
