in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
