Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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