six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize
