dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
