I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
