A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
