Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
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