i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
