Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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