She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
