Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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