i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I need to stop coming to work sober
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
