just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
