There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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