Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
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My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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