if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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