We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
So much rum. So many feels.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
