Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
