At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
