I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Life is so much better after having sex.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
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