I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
