I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Randomize
