He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Randomize
