yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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