just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
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