I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
