when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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