I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
