I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
