Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
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I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
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Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Randomize