phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
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She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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