The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I love you.
Bad choice
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
