so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
