wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
