Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Randomize
